Healthy Relationships Start With Healthy Boundaries
Author: Simran Vuppala M.Ed, LCMHCA
Boundaries are often widely misunderstood as “mean” or “selfish”, especially in relationships. However, they are meant to protect your emotional well-being and prevent burn out in relationships. Following through on boundaries is actually a form of self care, and you do not “owe” your partner anything when you set a boundary. One of the most underrated green flags in a partner, is someone who honors those boundaries and understands you!
Building a Life of Your Own
The first step is to build a fulfilling life filled with hobbies, friends, and goals you hope to accomplish. Reflect on your values: are you creative, adventurous, loving, or curious? How can you get 1% closer to what fills your cup? When you build a life you truly love, your partner will be an addition to the life you built for yourself, rather than the center of it.
Types of Boundaries
There are different categories of boundaries in relationships, which include physical, emotional, time, and monetary boundaries. These boundaries are all centered around what you are most comfortable with, and this can vary from person to person. Reflect on how much access you are comfortable giving to another person, and if this would be overextending yourself. For example, if too much physical touch is uncomfortable for you, communicate how your partner can show love in other ways that are meaningful to you. This requires self awareness in relationships. Notice when your energy is low,what recharges you, what are you comfortable with physically and emotionally? Is it fair for both parties?
Communication & The Feedback Sandwich
The key to boundaries is consistency and openness in communication from both parties. The classic “I” statements are incredibly impactful and using phrases such as “I need”, “I want”, “I love” are helpful, as they provide clarity and don’t assert blame.
Lastly, the feedback sandwich includes first communicating to your partner something positive about your relationship or them, and then letting them know how something can change and how this will help. For example, if I have a friend who I have been texting frequently (maybe too frequently) and I realize it negatively impacts my health, I might say “I really appreciate our connection and the conversations we have. Recently, I have been wanting to work on my screen time, so we can call at the end of the day to debrief about each others day?”
Committing to Your Boundaries
Now, the easy part is communication. The hard part is honoring what you are comfortable giving and receiving in relationships, and standing by this. There is initial discomfort when setting a boundary, which this is completely normal. You need to prove to yourself that this won’t be the end of the world! Remember, consistency is key.