The Mental Load: Why so Many Women Feel Exhausted
Written by: Rebecca McLean, MSW, LCSW
You walk in the house from your daughter’s soccer game, and you pull the chicken out of the fridge, noticing the milk is low, so you add that to the grocery list (not sure when you’ll have time to go). Thankfully you moved the chicken from the freezer this morning (while you were packing the kid’s lunch) after you put it in marinade and then the froze it last week for a weeknight just this hectic. You immediately are thankful that last week you thought ahead, so you didn’t have to think too hard about dinner tonight. You start the rice on the stove and cut the veggies to throw in the oven, while you’re asking the kids what homework they need to finish up tonight. While you finish cooking dinner, you glance at the calendar and see a doctor appointment for your son tomorrow, so you make a mental note to pack a snack for him because you know he will be hungry when you pick him up from school. Knowing your daughter’s dirty clothes hamper is full (because you saw it when you woke her up for school this morning) and she will need socks for soccer practice tomorrow, you remind her to bring her clothes to the laundry room. Finally, the timer dings; dinner is ready. You tell everyone dinner is ready, to grab their own drink and head to the dinner table where you can sit down, for maybe the first time today.
This all happened in a matter of minutes. The planning, the organizing, the mental list, and reminders. You’re thinking of everyone else, their needs and their schedule. What do we need to keep things moving forward, staying afloat.
What is the “mental load” anyway?
This is an example of the “mental load” women typically carry in relationships and families. The cognitive and emotional labor in managing the logistics of life, often the life of a family. It is a lot of unseen work, done in silence. It is not just what women are doing; it is what they are constantly having to remember.
The mental load consists of constant anticipation, planning, remembering, reminding, and monitoring. A job that doesn’t end at 5pm, but runs 24/7, 365 days a year.
Why women disproportionately carry it.
While women carrying the mental load is not the case in every family, the mental load is generally disproportionately impacting women. Why, you might ask? Well, there are a few factors leading to this pattern within families. Gender roles within families have, for generations, left household management as the responsibility of women. Despite women increasingly entering and remaining in the workforce, the household responsibilities have not shifted or become equally shared. This pattern and social norm often leave women maintaining a job outside the home and maintaining household management.
This can also lead to having a “default parent” within the home. A “default parent” is the one who automatically assumes responsibility of the children’s needs, logistically, emotionally and mentally. This is not about who “does more” but about the one who is mentally on call, constantly. This is often the parent who is the school’s main point of contact, schedules doctor appointments, remembers to fill out forms or dress the kids for picture day, anticipates emotional needs, and coordinates childcare. It is like being a project manager who can never clock out.
Signs of the mental load.
While there are many parts of the mental load that are unseen, the symptoms of it can be very visible. With the mental load comes chronic irritability due to immense mental and physical fatigue. The constant anticipation of others’ needs can lead to a lack of true rest and restoration. You’re always thinking three steps ahead, preventing your nervous system from fully transitioning to rest and recover mode. So often, hyper vigilance is disguised as “responsibility,” preventing you from identifying it as an issue ultimately leading to anxiety and even sleep disruption.
It might be hurting your relationship.
You might think to yourself or find yourself telling your friends, “well, someone has to do it.” While seemingly harmless, this comment is often full of resentment and feelings of isolation. You feel like nobody is there to pick up the slack, leading to lack of trust and connection in relationships.
Women can fall into negative thought patterns like “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done right” or “it’s just easier if I handle it” because they are often met with pushback when they attempt to delegate tasks. If they do ask for help, they quickly hear “stop nagging me” or “just make a list.” This can compound the feelings of isolation, leading women feeling unsupported or unappreciated.
But how do I fix this?
Great question! Adjusting the mental load is not as hard as you might think, it just takes some intentionality and quality communication. The first step it to name it. Acknowledge who is carrying the mental load and identify the “default parent.” If we can’t identify it, we certainly can’t change it.
Track visible tasks for the week. This can help illuminate who is doing what tasks. Increasing transparency can more evenly distribute tasks.
Shift your mindset from “help” to “ownership.” Relying on one partner to identify the need and then delegate the task creates the feeling of “help” and unevenly burdens one partner. However, “ownership” creates shared responsibility and initiative, resulting in the identification of a need and the appropriate follow through. No “delegation of tasks” needed anymore.
Check in. Ask your partner how they are. See if there is anything you could be doing better. Acknowledge all that they are doing. Communication is the best way to combat the mental load and prevent feelings of burnout, resentment, anxiety, and fatigue.
You’re not “too sensitive,” you’re carrying too much.
If you haven’t realized it yet, you’re not a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad sister, or a bad friend, you’re simply carrying too much. You need help and you need someone to notice how tired you are. Stop striving for perfection, because you’re never going to reach it. You’re tired and you need help.
Therapy can help.
Therapy is a great place to work through these feelings. Whether that is individually to learn build better communication skills or boundaries, or in couples therapy to work together and find strategies to better support your family.