We Are in This Together: Understanding Emotional Regulation

Written by Elbert Hawkins, III, Ph.D., LCMHC, NCC

As I embark on my third year of clinical practice, I observe many parents who continue to struggle with emotional regulation (ER) regarding their children. Many fail to understand that, in practice, it is not one-dimensional or a solo performance. They must know and understand that ER is a dual performance that requires parent and child working together toward a common goal—self-awareness and self-actualization. It means to have a keen sense of who they are, from the makeup of their character, temperament, values, beliefs, and responses, to living out their potential as phenomenal humans. It is important to note that a parent’s collaborative approach to helping their child emotionally regulate is an essential practice for their emotional development and well-being.

What exactly is ER? According to the literature, ER in practice involves identifying, influencing, monitoring, evaluating, and working through emotional experiences. Also, it is the ability to listen and respond to what our bodies need in moments of heightened distress. Lastly, in practice, it is the ability to manage the duration, tempo, or pace of an emotionally distressing experience while determining an appropriate de-escalation coping strategy. Based on my experience, many parents often see ER as a simple, independent performance of “just” calming down, taking a break, or breathing. However, it requires much more attention and parental engagement than this. It requires a simplistic understanding of the human body, how our nervous system works, and an understanding that distress and dysregulation are not without probable cause.

ER is complex and nuanced due to human growth and development, particularly regarding our executive functions. Cultivating this skill requires time, patience, and intentional behavior modeling from parents throughout the child-rearing years and into adolescence, especially for neurodivergent children and youth. When the responsibility of ER falls solely on the child, parents may inadvertently create a home environment and relationship that is rooted in fear, shame, and guilt in response to how their child’s dysregulation manifests in stressful situations, such as through crying, anxious behaviors, intense anger, or withdrawal. Therefore, to fully support children and youth towards a healthy, emotional regulatory experience, as parents, please consider the following:

• Regulate yourself first—practice self-awareness and know your limits before engaging with your child and their dysregulation.
• Pay attention to your language—how parents use and frame their words can have a positive or negative effect on dysregulated children and youth. Use language that is validating and affirming.
• Avoid hiding your emotions/feelings or Masking—it is okay to express in healthy ways that you (parent) are not okay. Hiding or Masking emotions/feelings compromises authentic teachable moments for using effective emotional regulation strategies.
• Avoid name calling, yelling, shaming, or mimicking irrational behaviors to stop them. BE THEIR SAFE PLACE!
• Learn Co-Regulation Skills— (e.g., listen, validate, problem solve together, know when to give space, create safe spaces, and connect then redirect)
• Name What You See— Name the emotion/feeling (e.g., I see that you are angry…) then identify a coping strategy.
• Simplify Instructions—make sure messaging is clear, direct, purposeful, and short.
• Normalize the emotion/feeling—assess for support, move toward comfort, and care validation vs the urge to distract or suppress.
• Identify Body Signals—become familiar with your child’s body signals (e.g., hunger, restlessness, overly stimulated, and being overwhelmed) and intervene accordingly.
• Create Environmental Cues—use written or nonverbal prompts to help your child remember emotional regulation strategies in distressed situations.
• Allow Wait Time—be mindful not to engage too early, give your child space and time to explore solutions for themselves.
• Ride it out — ensuring their safety first, if your child is too dysregulated, let them ride the emotion/feeling out, when they become emotionally regulated, coach them on appropriate ways to manage the situation next time.

References:

Sanchis-Sanchis, A., Grau, M. D., Moliner, A. R., & Morales-Murillo, C. P. (2020). Effects of age and

gender in emotion regulation of children and adolescents. Frontiers in psychology, 11, 946.

Waters, S. F., Karnilowicz, H. R., West, T. V., & Mendes, W. B. (2020). Keep it to yourself? Parent

emotion suppression influences physiological linkage and interaction behavior. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(7), 784.